January, 2008

Movies has always impacted me. I always get something out of every movie. Yet The Ultimate Gift gave me so much more. It might be because it relates to my life so much, it might be because I tend to like these types of movies, or it might be that it really is that good.

Yes, it is a movie that you will cry in. I would question your humanity if you didn't. But it is a good sad. It is a sadness that makes you feel good. I really do not want to give too much of the movie away, because I think that most everybody should see it.

Does the movie change how I see my life? Right now, no. But I have a feeling that I will think about this movie in a few years and realize that it really did have an impact. I really hope that it does.

It seems so obvious now. It's like I am being told what to do, being told how to act, and yet one person is keeping from doing such. What I have now is so much more than I could have asked for, and I am so grateful because of it. But, being human, I am always wanting more. I want to take that extra step, to go that extra mile, and get that much more out of this short life that we have.

I cannot decide what to do. I know how I feel. There are certain signs that it is there. There are certain signs that it is true, but how can I be sure?! When will I know? Is it right? Will I be able to see it almost everyday and know that I never even had a chance? Why wasn't I given a chance? Why was I put into this situation...

Will things change? Will it change? From what I was told today, it is possible, but still unlikely. There is still a connection, still a bond. I do not want to be the reason.

Could it be that inherently we are attracted to things which are unreachable? It seems like it is always true. Why must we put ourselves through so much pain? The purpose to life is to be happy.. and knowing that something is out of reach and yet not being able to have it is so hard.

And yet, at the same time, not having something means that you value it more when you do. If we were to alway have exactly what we wanted, then we would take even more for granted. The dissatisfaction of not having what you want just makes having what you want that much more satisfying.

Only one other person knows the truth about who I really am, and by law, he cannot tell anybody. The question then comes up as to if I should tell. Last night is proof that it is true. In my mind, nothing is more telling than when he takes over. But nobody but me knows. Its like I am trapped in cage with only one way out, but my very being is keeping me from escaping.

Is it possible that everything you do in life is never good enough? I cannot express how angry it makes me feel to know that people do not appreciate the things that I do. Today, I cleaned the house for at least 4 or 5 hours. And yet, Erica just about killed me when she got home because it still was not good enough. I worked for an hour hooking the toilet up so that it could be flushed. I cleaned the weightroom 3 times -- dumping gallons of soapy, bleach water, scrubbing on my hands and knees, and then wet-vacing it up. And yet, it was not good enough. Cleaning is not bad, but cleaning messes that you did not create is. Having your friends leave your house trashed is not the greatest feeling in the world. I really could care less what you had going on today, or where you had to go.. you do not leave that big of a mess for somebody else to clean up. The mountains can wait, they are not gong anywhere. Last night was the first, and most definitely the last party I will host. Good work friends, you made the start of my new year that much worse.