February, 2008

I cannot hardly recall the number of English teachers who have told me, almost demanded me, to write a book. I have thought about it for a very, very long time, juggling several ideas in my head -- fiction or non, exaggerated or serious, pain or happiness... Then, it hit me -- none of that matters. The reason for writing is not for pleasure on behalf of the reader, it is purely for the gathering of my thoughts, memories and beliefs. Memory is such an important aspect of life, and yet it seems that mine is lacking. I have noticed that deep thought and concentration often brings out those past events, but I have been searching for a reason to remember. Why should I remember what has past when so many new things are to come? The answer is simply, because I can. If I have the ability to write now and years from now be able to re-read... what a joy to have.

So I am writing a book. Will it be published, I highly doubt it. Will anybody actually read it, I doubt it. This will be my way of writing in a journal. I have never been able to write with no significant purpose (such as in a journal). But writing for the purpose of writing a book -- now, that is something to look forward to.

You probably won't see much from what I will be writing for a long while. But if you ask, I will gladly tell you my progress -- and I ask you now, while I am actually excited about this process, to remind me.. and push me to write. I'm sure that this so called 'writer's block' will come. I'm sure that there will be weeks in connection without a single new word added. But with a bit of encouragement, and a bit of motivation, I have no doubt that I will get it done.

I know that most of you are probably wondering the actual subject of the book. But I assure you, each and every one of you knows the subject very, very well.

I will post snippets from certain chapters from time to time, but for the most part, the majority of the book will be kept privet until I am completely satisfied with the content. Now, I must go on to Chapter 1.

Notice: After re-reading this, it is quite selfish.. and I am sorry for that. But anyways, you should live life to make you happy, thats all I really mean.

This weekend was wonderful. It opened my eyes and I am now dreaming. Dreams exist in order to give you hope, to give you something to strive for and a goal to try to reach. There are several things that I thought about this weekend. First of all, about a place of living. After walking in this open house in Prospect neighborhood in Longmont, CO, I came to a striking realization: I really want something new in my life. I have been living in the same house for all of my memory..

Simply stated, I could really do whatever I want with my life right now. I could move, I could start my own business, I could go to school full-time, I could go on vacation for an extended period of time... I could potentially do anything.

This got me thinking of what I really want. Truthfully I want to move. I want to live somewhere that I choose. I want to start making my own decisions. It seems like I have been living other peoples' lives. Living based on their decisions and not my own. I want to choose my own destiny - whether good or bad. I want to be able to walk into my house and really believe that it is mine.

I felt that when I bought my car. When I drive, I know that every penny put into that car was mine. I know that the car, its entirety is mine, and it makes me feel good. That was the first thing in my life that I had done on my own. I made the decision, I made the choice, I weighed my options. Truthfully, I did not want others' help.. I did not want other people to tell me what to do - I have had that done my entire life. I just wanted to make a single choice on my own. And now, I look back on it and I don't believe that I could have done better. I love making my own choices. I love living my own life.

My dream is to live my own life. I am tired of pretending to be ok with where I am. I am tired to pretending to enjoy where I am in my life. I have the capability to do something different and yet I am settling for something which is not what I really want - and now I see that that is not fair to me. I should live my life to its fullest and use the resources I have to make myself truly happy.

But how?! What can I do to make myself truly happy? That is where the dreaming comes in. I will probably be thinking about this for a very long time and there is a good chance that nothing will ever happen. But just the shear joy that I am having dreaming is worth more than anything that I could ever purchase.

Option 1: Buy a new house. This is definitely going to happen eventually, but when? There are so many options that I really do not know what to do. I think that I would really enjoy a house and renting out a room and living independently.

Option 2: Start a business. I have so many ideas for businesses that it really is not even funny. From energy based to web applications, to software, to art and commercial and retail... I really do not know where to start.

Option 3: Buy a piece of property with a retail shop and house on a second level. I really like this option, because it accomplishes a lot of different things. First of all, since location is key in terms of retail, I would be living in a prime location. Probably in a downtown district where things are always going on. People always around. Although I am most definitely an introvert, I still enjoy people - more than most people realize. I love being around people. I am just usually in my own little introverted world. This option also allows me to start my own business in the retail shop below. I have several locations in mind, but I still need to do more research.

Option 4: Get an place in Boulder and go to school full-time. This is an interesting option, because it is so far from the others. I have realized recently that I really do enjoy school. I enjoy learning as long as it is relates to my life - which most of the classes in college seem to.

It is important to know that all of the previous options are not abandoning school. I will get my degree (probably several) and I also see myself going further on, maybe with a masters or doctorate. I am always keeping school in mind and trying to work my other ideas around it - not the other way around.

Change. It is something that I really need right now. I am way to tired of the same. I will keep you posted on my research and my dreaming. For now, I am simply "Dreamin' Out Loud".