Life

It is one of the most popular videos on the web today. As I speak, the abridged Oprah version is the "Most Viewed" video on Google. It's called "The Last Lecture" and it was given by Randy Pausch (the links to the videos are at the bottom). Randy is one of the most gifted computer scientists in the field today. Most of his work will not be seen by the general public for many years, but his advancements in computer generated worlds and virtual reality are absolutely phenomenal.

There is this hypothetical "Last Lecture" that many professors will give once a year. The idea is that if, as a professor, you were given one last chance to lecture, what you teach... In the summer of 2006, Dr. Randy Pausch was diagnosed with the deadly pancreatic canter countless surgeries and many sessions of chemo, Randy was given only months to live. It turns out that this 'hypothetical' "last lecture" was all too real.

Randy is an absolutely amazing speaker. His skills as a professor extend far beyond computer science. His teachings are life long. He has taught thousands about life and still manages to transform lives. Randy is still going strong, still going into surgery every few weeks. The doctors still give him "a few months of good heath left". Randy has not stopped teaching. Even in the face of loosing his own life, Randy has continued to make the world a better place. His "Last Lecture" video has been past from blog to blog and his message has been heard by hundreds of thousands. It would not surprise me if many of you reading this have seen or heard about him.

Randy's original "Last Lecture" was given September 18, 2007 and titled "Really Achieving Your Childhood Dreams". Simply put, the lecture walks through Randy's life, his childhood dreams, how he has achieved them, lessons learned along the way, and how we can enable our own dreams, and the dreams of others.

I watched this video back in September, very shortly after it came out. At this time, the video was not very popular at that time. When I first watched it, I was completely amazed. This video, simply put, transformed my life. This time in my life was life changing, and this video has definitely apart of that change.

I am not going to try to summarize the video, because I would not even come close to doing so. I will, however, say that the summarized versions do not pay tribute to the full-length lecture. I urge you to set aside an hour and a half, and watch the full length video.

I will try to summarize one simple topic which is discussed countless times throughout the video. One of Randy's life goals as a child was to be a Disney Imagineer. After graduating from Carnegie Mellon, he sent his resume to Disney. Randy was nicely rejected. At this point in his speech, Randy brings up the metaphor of Brick Walls. He thought he was well on his way to achieving one of his childhood dreams of working for Disney when he was stopped dead in his tracks. But, "brick walls are there for a reason: they let us prove how badly we want something... Brick walls are there to stop the people who don't want it badly enough". This is such a simple and profound idea. After a long string of events, and a lot of hard work, Randy did end up working for Disney years later. A simple proof that if you want something enough, and you are willing to put in the effort, it will happen.

I think this single idea has stuck with me for the 6 months since I have seen the video. I would not be surprised if I remember this metaphor for the rest of my life. There are many brick walls throughout life, but they are always there for a reason.

..to be continued...

• Full length "Last Lecture"
• Reprise of "Last Lecture" on Oprah

I am really tired, and therefore, I am going to bed. I will write a lot more on this lecture as well as several others given by Randy.

Three days ago, the UPA sent out an email to most of the Colorado Front Range Ultimate communities (which, I believe warrants a list of all community forums -- but that is another topic).

UPA.org

The reason for this blog entry is simply to state that I will be sending in my resume for the Administrative Assistant full-time salary position. I have been toying with the idea of moving to Boulder, and this would be far to great of an excuse. I cannot think of a better way of using my skills to better my hobby, but to combine the two. I love Ultimate too much not to work for the UPA (Ultimate Players Association). To me, it really does make a lot of since.

This presents an interesting situation, what if I were offered the job (after the interview and such).. From the email and from the job description, it appears that they are in need of somebody relative fast. However, I am currently mid-semester at UCCS. I could not easily just move. I'm sure that this would be discussed in the interview (if my application even gets that far), but I have started thinking - would I just drop out? I guess it depends on what I think of the job after the interview and how badly the UPA needs this position filled.

Another interesting point to bring up is the fact that this is a full-time 40 hour/week position. This would leave little to no-time for school. I would most likely still take a class or two per semester in the evenings, but my degree would be delayed by years. A 4 year degree would probably become a 6 or 7 (or even longer).

www.prospectnewtown.com

The next issue is of housing. Where would I live, especially if they are looking for somebody in a short period of time. Just recently, I found my way to a community in Longmont, CO, called Prospect. It is a new-urbanist community. The instant I walked in, I fell in love. I felt so much at home and yet I was far from where I had ever been. According to Google (which is pretty much amazing), the community is about 20 minutes from the UPA headquarters (which is about 2 minutes from the CU campus, on the south end). Although there are definitely plenty of available houses in Prospect, I really do not like the idea of driving 7000 miles a year just for work. So that leads me to believe that the bet option would be to live in Boulder. So, what does Boulder have to offer.. well I have not really looked, but I will soon.

www.monarchdigital.com

A few more interesting things to think about: First, what about Monarch Digital? I have basically created an entire new market for the company in web design. Technically speaking, Rick (my boss) cannot code or design the types of webpages that we have been creating lately. There are so many things that I know about Drupal (and websites in general that I have not had the time to teach him). He would be forced to find a new employee who understood creation of websites.. and he would have to do it fast. It's a major problem for me.. I have only worked at Monarch for 9 months. I never really thought that I would work at a job for less than a year. And, I have always frowned at people who jump from job to job. But at the same time -- a lot of things have changed in my life, and I don't think that a change like this would be too far out of question.

That brings me to my final point. What about Erica? I love my sister dearly. There is nothing in this world more important than her. Truthfully, I cannot even fathom living without her nearby. Is it time? Is it time for us to move apart and go on with our lives? Or do we still need to be together? I guess I just need to think about things and figure it out. More on this later.

I cannot hardly recall the number of English teachers who have told me, almost demanded me, to write a book. I have thought about it for a very, very long time, juggling several ideas in my head -- fiction or non, exaggerated or serious, pain or happiness... Then, it hit me -- none of that matters. The reason for writing is not for pleasure on behalf of the reader, it is purely for the gathering of my thoughts, memories and beliefs. Memory is such an important aspect of life, and yet it seems that mine is lacking. I have noticed that deep thought and concentration often brings out those past events, but I have been searching for a reason to remember. Why should I remember what has past when so many new things are to come? The answer is simply, because I can. If I have the ability to write now and years from now be able to re-read... what a joy to have.

So I am writing a book. Will it be published, I highly doubt it. Will anybody actually read it, I doubt it. This will be my way of writing in a journal. I have never been able to write with no significant purpose (such as in a journal). But writing for the purpose of writing a book -- now, that is something to look forward to.

You probably won't see much from what I will be writing for a long while. But if you ask, I will gladly tell you my progress -- and I ask you now, while I am actually excited about this process, to remind me.. and push me to write. I'm sure that this so called 'writer's block' will come. I'm sure that there will be weeks in connection without a single new word added. But with a bit of encouragement, and a bit of motivation, I have no doubt that I will get it done.

I know that most of you are probably wondering the actual subject of the book. But I assure you, each and every one of you knows the subject very, very well.

I will post snippets from certain chapters from time to time, but for the most part, the majority of the book will be kept privet until I am completely satisfied with the content. Now, I must go on to Chapter 1.

Notice: After re-reading this, it is quite selfish.. and I am sorry for that. But anyways, you should live life to make you happy, thats all I really mean.

This weekend was wonderful. It opened my eyes and I am now dreaming. Dreams exist in order to give you hope, to give you something to strive for and a goal to try to reach. There are several things that I thought about this weekend. First of all, about a place of living. After walking in this open house in Prospect neighborhood in Longmont, CO, I came to a striking realization: I really want something new in my life. I have been living in the same house for all of my memory..

Simply stated, I could really do whatever I want with my life right now. I could move, I could start my own business, I could go to school full-time, I could go on vacation for an extended period of time... I could potentially do anything.

This got me thinking of what I really want. Truthfully I want to move. I want to live somewhere that I choose. I want to start making my own decisions. It seems like I have been living other peoples' lives. Living based on their decisions and not my own. I want to choose my own destiny - whether good or bad. I want to be able to walk into my house and really believe that it is mine.

I felt that when I bought my car. When I drive, I know that every penny put into that car was mine. I know that the car, its entirety is mine, and it makes me feel good. That was the first thing in my life that I had done on my own. I made the decision, I made the choice, I weighed my options. Truthfully, I did not want others' help.. I did not want other people to tell me what to do - I have had that done my entire life. I just wanted to make a single choice on my own. And now, I look back on it and I don't believe that I could have done better. I love making my own choices. I love living my own life.

My dream is to live my own life. I am tired of pretending to be ok with where I am. I am tired to pretending to enjoy where I am in my life. I have the capability to do something different and yet I am settling for something which is not what I really want - and now I see that that is not fair to me. I should live my life to its fullest and use the resources I have to make myself truly happy.

But how?! What can I do to make myself truly happy? That is where the dreaming comes in. I will probably be thinking about this for a very long time and there is a good chance that nothing will ever happen. But just the shear joy that I am having dreaming is worth more than anything that I could ever purchase.

Option 1: Buy a new house. This is definitely going to happen eventually, but when? There are so many options that I really do not know what to do. I think that I would really enjoy a house and renting out a room and living independently.

Option 2: Start a business. I have so many ideas for businesses that it really is not even funny. From energy based to web applications, to software, to art and commercial and retail... I really do not know where to start.

Option 3: Buy a piece of property with a retail shop and house on a second level. I really like this option, because it accomplishes a lot of different things. First of all, since location is key in terms of retail, I would be living in a prime location. Probably in a downtown district where things are always going on. People always around. Although I am most definitely an introvert, I still enjoy people - more than most people realize. I love being around people. I am just usually in my own little introverted world. This option also allows me to start my own business in the retail shop below. I have several locations in mind, but I still need to do more research.

Option 4: Get an place in Boulder and go to school full-time. This is an interesting option, because it is so far from the others. I have realized recently that I really do enjoy school. I enjoy learning as long as it is relates to my life - which most of the classes in college seem to.

It is important to know that all of the previous options are not abandoning school. I will get my degree (probably several) and I also see myself going further on, maybe with a masters or doctorate. I am always keeping school in mind and trying to work my other ideas around it - not the other way around.

Change. It is something that I really need right now. I am way to tired of the same. I will keep you posted on my research and my dreaming. For now, I am simply "Dreamin' Out Loud".

Movies has always impacted me. I always get something out of every movie. Yet The Ultimate Gift gave me so much more. It might be because it relates to my life so much, it might be because I tend to like these types of movies, or it might be that it really is that good.

Yes, it is a movie that you will cry in. I would question your humanity if you didn't. But it is a good sad. It is a sadness that makes you feel good. I really do not want to give too much of the movie away, because I think that most everybody should see it.

Does the movie change how I see my life? Right now, no. But I have a feeling that I will think about this movie in a few years and realize that it really did have an impact. I really hope that it does.

It seems so obvious now. It's like I am being told what to do, being told how to act, and yet one person is keeping from doing such. What I have now is so much more than I could have asked for, and I am so grateful because of it. But, being human, I am always wanting more. I want to take that extra step, to go that extra mile, and get that much more out of this short life that we have.

I cannot decide what to do. I know how I feel. There are certain signs that it is there. There are certain signs that it is true, but how can I be sure?! When will I know? Is it right? Will I be able to see it almost everyday and know that I never even had a chance? Why wasn't I given a chance? Why was I put into this situation...

Will things change? Will it change? From what I was told today, it is possible, but still unlikely. There is still a connection, still a bond. I do not want to be the reason.

Could it be that inherently we are attracted to things which are unreachable? It seems like it is always true. Why must we put ourselves through so much pain? The purpose to life is to be happy.. and knowing that something is out of reach and yet not being able to have it is so hard.

And yet, at the same time, not having something means that you value it more when you do. If we were to alway have exactly what we wanted, then we would take even more for granted. The dissatisfaction of not having what you want just makes having what you want that much more satisfying.

Only one other person knows the truth about who I really am, and by law, he cannot tell anybody. The question then comes up as to if I should tell. Last night is proof that it is true. In my mind, nothing is more telling than when he takes over. But nobody but me knows. Its like I am trapped in cage with only one way out, but my very being is keeping me from escaping.

Is it possible that everything you do in life is never good enough? I cannot express how angry it makes me feel to know that people do not appreciate the things that I do. Today, I cleaned the house for at least 4 or 5 hours. And yet, Erica just about killed me when she got home because it still was not good enough. I worked for an hour hooking the toilet up so that it could be flushed. I cleaned the weightroom 3 times -- dumping gallons of soapy, bleach water, scrubbing on my hands and knees, and then wet-vacing it up. And yet, it was not good enough. Cleaning is not bad, but cleaning messes that you did not create is. Having your friends leave your house trashed is not the greatest feeling in the world. I really could care less what you had going on today, or where you had to go.. you do not leave that big of a mess for somebody else to clean up. The mountains can wait, they are not gong anywhere. Last night was the first, and most definitely the last party I will host. Good work friends, you made the start of my new year that much worse.

Why is it that people insist on telling me what to do when they themselves have no idea what is best? I, obviously, do not know what is best either. But that is my point. I want to figure it out on my own. I want to be independent. I want to live my life the way I want. Why is it that everybody wants me to live their life? Why can't I just do what I want, how I want to?